CRAP NOIR

We are CRAP NOIR – a podcast team dedicated to bringing you some subpar jokes along with a moderately funny twist on the classic noir genre and detective radio shows of years past. Beth is a downtrodden twenty-something – completely SHOCKED that no one wants to hire her with her oddly specific and definitely legitimate Master’s degree in Detective Literature. She spends her time searching Craiglist for jobs that require her highly-sought-after expertise, thanks to the free WiFi at local New Jersey coffee shop, The Big Steam. She bugs her favorite mediocre barista, Jim Jam, for hours on end so her mother believes she isn’t an unemployable failure. Luckily for Beth, her first case finally emerges when friendly farm chicken, Esmeralda, disappears. Time to see if Beth’s degree holds up in the real-world! Follow us on Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram @crapnoir

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CRAP NOIR

Snappy Solvers (CRAP NOIR Extra)

March 28, 2021 • CRAP NOIR Podcast Team

0:00 | 1:30

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For the best rates in town when you need things found, call Johnnie Craquerbarrle!
*Snappy Solvers is a subsidiary of Craquerbarrle Crime Cracking, Inc. (CCC).

(Spooky music fades in)

JOHNNIE 0:02
Hey there!
Do you or someone you know suffer from mysterious, unexplained or unsolved circumstances?
Are you, perhaps, missing an object of sentimental value?
Did a pet, farm animal, or loved one suddenly vanish?
Are you suspicious that a friend or relative may be plotting against you?
Is someone stalking around your lands?

(Upbeat jingle music replaces the spooky music)

JOHNNIE 0:25
And are you willing to offer up a nominal fee to almost certainly get the answers you need, as well as a friendly, can-do attitude? Heh.
Hi, I'm Johnnie of Snappy Solvers, a subsidiary of Craquerbarrle Crime Cracking, Inc. — CCC for short. I have solved (automated) two cases to date, and I'd love your case to be next.
So call now and I guarantee I’ll answer or my name isn't Johnnie Asiago Craquerbarrle!
555-5309, that’s 555-5309. And just in case, here it is again: 555-5309.
I can’t wait to hear from you.

(Music begins to fade)

JOHNNIE 0:13
(singing) For the best rates in town when you need things found, call Johnnie Craquerbarrle!